A Clean Slate

It is the start of a new year, 2009. Normally, I am sad to see the previous year go; I know I will never gain that time back and I hope I have spent the year in the best way I can. As I reflect back on 2008, however, I not only shudder, but I also rejoice in the Lord for the uplifting of my soul.

This year of trials truly began for me in the fall of 2007, when I was a sophomore at Colorado State University. I had just transferred from my dream college in Cheyenne, Wyoming after becoming discouraged with my fellow classmates. As the fall progressed, I became more and more depressed until I was no longer attending classes. The only thing getting me out of bed everyday was the necessity to go care for my horse. Otherwise I stayed holed up in my apartment, doing little more than eating and sleeping. Some may look down on me for my apparent laziness, but at the time I could see no reason for my purpose on earth.

That year ended with my mother and father splitting up. As the long painful process of separation began, my stress and anxiety rose. I decided to take a semester off in order to work and start up classes again in the fall of 2008. My plan back fired when I became severely ill after working only 3 days helping to open a Chipotle. By the time I was well enough to work, I had forgotten all the things I had learned. I was not cut out to work in such a high stress environment under normal circumstances; in my stressed out, highly anxious, depressed state, the job only made me worse. After a minor breakdown at work and a major breakdown several days later, my mother insisted I come home, something I did with relief.

For three months I was worthless. I had just enough energy daily to get out of bed, shower, dress, ride my horse, come home, and sleep some more. But I resolved that I would soon recover and find a purpose for my life. I believe the weekly event that helped me find my purpose was my Tuesday night Bible study. During these studies with people I had known all my life (Mikey and Terry Martin and Kevin Baldwin; also Bob Brown, a new character), the Word refreshed me and renewed the passion for the Lord I had found the previous summer on a mission trip to Ghana, Africa. I began to get an inkling of the purpose I had been searching for.

In March 2008, I secured a job at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply, where I worked all summer. As the summer wore on, a sense of urgency took hold of me. It took me awhile to figure out what I needed to fulfill the sense of purpose within me, but I finally decided that I needed to become a worker for the Lord. As the prophet says in Jeremiah 20:9,

But if I say, ‘I will not remember Him
Or speak anymore in His name,’
Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
And I am weary of holding it in,
And I cannot endure it.

I determined that I would be a missionary to the people of Ghana. However, I knew I was not quite ready. As Paul writes in II Timothy 2:15 I needed to “be diligent to present [my]self approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.” In order to teach the word to the people of Ghana, I also needed to “be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction” (II Timothy 4:2). I decided to go to school to devote myself to the Word completely. At the end of July 2008, I applied to Bear Valley Bible Institute of Denver, where I am currently a student.

Well on my way to recovering from the dark days, something else happened that I would not have thought possible for someone like me. I found a kindred spirit in a fellow student, peer, and friend. My now-boyfriend, Quinton, has a similar vision to mine: to reach the lost of the world, no matter the sacrifice. I could not tell you what the future holds for us, but I pray that whatever our relationship becomes, it will be for the glory of the Lord and the furthering of His kingdom.

Now, on January 20, 2009, I look back over the past year and marvel at the hand of God that is clearly evident in my life. To sum up, I began the year depressed, discouraged, and without hope. As the year wore on, I placed my hope in the Lord, and as He promises in Isaiah 40:31, I began walking and did not become weary, so I ran and did not grow tired. Soon I will be lifted up on wings like an eagle as I introduce the lost to my Lord Jesus Christ.